Things I can

I can wake up in the morning. That sometimes feels like the most important thing. Each night I go to bed ninety-five percent certain that I’ll wake up the next day. If it were any lower than that I’m not too sure I’d get any sleep. I can go to sleep near certain that there will be a tomorrow, and if I’m lucky, ten more tomorrows after that.

I can sit and not do anything if I want to. Granted, there is a small area of mobility here due to personal and educational expectations, but if there was one day I really wanted to just sit and do nothing but think, I could. In fact, I did more sitting and thinking than much of anything else today. I think that is okay.

I can cry hard. On some days I cry so much it feels like I’ve emptied out a dozen human bodies. And you know what? It feels so good afterwords. Not only can I cry, but I want to. I think every day I even hope to cry. Sometimes I hold on to things for so long, that I forget theres such catharsis in letting go. And in crying, I can shed anything thats been weighing on me. And then I feel new again. Until the next time.

I can say no. And I can say it liberally. No is always an option. And no, without reason, is almost always the perfect answer. I try not to use ‘no’s maliciously, but I use them when saying yes to myself is more important. I say yes to boundaries, I say yes to space, I say yes to self preservation. So to you, I say no because I have to say yes to me. It took me a long while to learn that.

I can change my mind. While saying no, and changing your mind seem very similar they can also be very different. You might choose to be in a certain place at a particular time and that is fine. Deciding, even if it’s just one second later, that it’s not where and when you want to be, is perfectly fine too.

I can dream vibrantly. I can hope and fantasize about places and things I’ll never come close to reaching in this lifetime. I think that dreaming is what makes the waking up each morning as sweet as it is. I am moved by the things I want. And without the wanting, the days come up empty.